And More: Sheets, A Fairy Tale

I’ve decided I need an “And More” category. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got more food posts in store and guest Foodies lining up, but sometimes this Foodie needs to get some things off her chest. And who knows, the post might be somewhat food related after all…

Image by Angela Barnett

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful woman and a handsome man who lived with their two children in a modest cottage. They had no desires to live outside their means, happy with the food the woman cooked, the goods they purchased and the wonderful family times they had. [What?! It’s a fairy tale, hello? Didn’t you see the “once-upon-a-time-crap?”  Anyway, rude interruption…]  One day, the woman was in the village shopping and chanced upon a shop selling a set of bed sheets that the horribly snotty Queen had deigned not good enough for, well, a Queen. The woman promptly bought them and took them home to her handsome husband. The sheets were the softest they’d ever slept on, and they often joked they slept like Kings and Queens.

One day, an evil Golem of Threadbearness [Fairy tale, work w/ me here!] snuck into the man and woman’s home and rent a huge hole in the sheets, for he was jealous of the wonderfully, cozy sleep they had from the softness.  The man and woman were aghast at the tear that was so momentous, no amount of stitchery could repair. [Nice! A rhyme without even trying.] It was with a heavy heart that the woman went back to the shop to see if she could find a replacement for their dearly missed sheets. She searched and searched and finally found a set that promised the “sleep of Kings”. She hurried home, elated to have found a replacement. Only to discover that while the sheets were indeed soft, though not as soft as the previous set, she’d somehow purchased a sheet set made for giants.

The End

I know, I know, you were expecting a happy ending right?  Well, most fairy tales didn’t have them in the first place, that was a Disney creation. I’m channeling Grimm tonight, though if I were really channeling Grimm, there would have been bloodshed somewhere…anyway, I digress.

Is it just me, or do they not make sheets for a normal mattress anymore?  One, normal sized mattress. And I’m not talking about California King vs Regular King, I realize there’s a difference. #notadunce I’m talking about the fact that the fitted sheet is built for all 20 mattresses and 20 featherbeds from The Princess and the Pea [sort of food reference!]. Seriously people. The hospital corners have a surgery wing there’s so much material.  And to make matters worse, they sheets are giving my Quilt a complex. For reals. Poor Quilty barely makes it over the edge (it said King on the package, I swear! ugh) while the stupid sheets hang mockingly to the floor.

Why the rant you say? Because, it practically takes an army to make my bed now. My shoulder and back muscles have grown freakishly huge due to having to actually lift up the mattress for a full on fold over vs a quick tuck. Seriously, do you really want me to look like this? Anyone else notice this trend? Or are you one of the many people channeling the Princess and causing this disfiguring fad?

If you are, may the King of the Golems of Threadbearness visit his vengeful wrath upon you. *not a real curse, I checked. I did not knock on wood three times or spit in a Easterly direction. I mean really, you’re my readers, why would I curse you? **fingers may have been crossed on that one…

Shout-out: Artist, Angela Barnett, of the Cottage in the Woods picture.

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One Response to And More: Sheets, A Fairy Tale

  1. Tesha Anderson says:

    So, love the fairy tale. It makes perfect sense. FYI….most king size mattresses are generally thicker than they use to be. You have a temperpedic mattress which is thinner than most mattresses. Thus, the “deep” sheets. LOOOOOVE u!

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